MTA Unveils $28 Billion Plan To Renovate Subway Masturbators

NEW YORK—In what many are calling a long-awaited overhaul to New York’s underground network of flashers, perverts, and yankers, the Metropolitan Transportation Authority unveiled a $28 billion plan Monday to renovate their citywide fleet of subway masturbators. “This incredible initiative will bring new life to the 6,400 aging, outdated sexual deviants that currently pleasure themselves alongside New York City’s 5.7 million commuters per day,” said MTA CEO John Lhota, adding that by the end of 2019, residents can expect the city’s updated perverts to masturbate more frequently, more reliably, and in 30 percent more locations. “Sadly, the city has allowed many of these subway masturbators to become old and outdated, and their nude, damaged bodies—many of which date back to the 1960s—are a frequent eyesore. While there will inevitably be delays during the upcoming renovations, the result will be the most clean, efficient, and consistent sex criminals New York has ever seen.” Lhota excitedly added that the plan was expected to make the subway riding experience 75 percent less safe for women.