MTA Announces Train Delayed Due To The Beautiful Randomness Of Life

NEW YORK—Reflecting on the whimsical, capricious nature of existence, a Metropolitan Transportation Authority announcement advised commuters waiting on a subway platform Friday morning that their train had been delayed 25 minutes due to the beautiful randomness of life. “They’re funny, aren’t they, the fickle ways of this world? One minute, you’re having an unremarkable day, on your way to work like any other, but the next, the Manhattan-bound train is running nearly half an hour behind schedule because of an unplanned service disruption,” an upbeat male voice said in pre-recorded announcement played over the subway intercom, urging impatient commuters to ponder how the mercurial vagaries of the human experience had led them to this moment in which an unexpected delay would make them extremely late for work. “That’s just the way the universe unfolds sometimes. The majestic chaos of our reality reminds us that we can’t always control the public transit systems in our lives, and that’s okay. Just think, one tiny flap of a butterfly’s wing can sometimes lead to a drunk man falling onto the tracks and electrocuting himself on the third rail, the very situation MTA crews are currently working to address.” At press time, sources reported the eccentric cosmic accident had continued until many of the commuters on the A-train platform had been docked pay for their missed work or fired for their tardiness, which would reportedly lead some to experience a peculiar phenomenon of the universe known as eviction.