From their hidden sanctuary high atop Mount Dew, the Mountain Dew Council Of Elders formally passed judgment on area teen Brian Ruderman yesterday, unanimously ruling him “not radical” and sentencing him to eternal banishment from the Extreme Network.
“To you, Brian Ruderman, we have said in the past, Do the Dew,” Mountain Dew Highfather Snow-boardus the Totally Radical said as the final verdict was delivered. “But from this day forth say we it no longer, saying to ye instead, Brian Ruderman, go forth from this place, leave us, and Do the Dew no more.”
Ruderman, 18, who was brought before the ancient Council under allegations of showing cowardice in the face of rollerblade ramp-jumping and bicycle moto-cross skydiving, was unable to successfully defend himself after failing the “Trial By Bungee,” a 500-year-old initiation ritual of the Order of Dew.
Witnesses report that a fiery bolt of lightning split the sky moments after judgment was passed, and that Ruderman cowered in fear as the thunderbolt’s roar filled the Council of Elders’ vast central chamber.
“You have been deemed not worthy,” Mountain Dew Highfather Jetskius the Awesome stated. “You and your scions shall never again Grab It, Buy It or Slam It.”
The Council’s final vote was made using the ancient traditional method of colored smoke, with green signalling acquittal and red signalling guilt. At the sight of the red smoke, Ruderman burst into what one witness described as “uncool, sissy-like” tears as he had his name erased from the Book of Dew.
The sentencing, in accordance with ancient Mountain Dew teachings, applies not only to Ruderman but to his entire lineage. “Say also we, unto the seventh son of your seventh son, Do Not the Dew,” the Council’s verdict read.
As a result of his banishment from the Extreme Network, Ruderman will be stripped of his Motorola Numeric Pager and lose six months free air time from MobilCom, a $125 retail value. As a result, he will no longer receive weekly beeps containing special offers from the coolest brands and a chance to win prizes like extreme trips and cool athletic gear.
Further, because of Mountain Dew’s early 1980s acquisition by PepsiCo, Ruderman will also be forbidden to Get Stuff, and will no longer be recognized as a member of The New Generation.
A defeated, broken Ruderman, his voice quaking with humiliation, spoke to reporters after the sentencing. “I wanted to be radical, but I am not. I was too weak to jump my mountain bike off the cliff. I was too weak to waterski behind a team of untamed stallions. Even the old-fashioned diving off a rope swing into a lake in slow motion was too much for me. Even the high-energy rush of slammin’ a Dew could not instill in me the courage to be a cool guy.”
“I am truly not radical,” Ruderman continued. “I am nothing now, only an empty shell. I shall leave for the Land of the Lame, to live amongst the lepers, half-castes and dweebs. My name will vanish from the world, insects will crawl on my sores all the days of my life, and crows will alight atop my unburied corpse, and feast there on my flesh.”
The statement was then cut off, as Ruderman burst into a fit of violent sobbing.
Ruderman’s ex-girlfriend Melissa Schuman, who left him shortly before he went to trial, agreed with the Council’s verdict of “uncool.” “Brian? I can’t believe I used to go out with him. This is, like, so embarrassing. I’m so sure. He’s such a total weeno. I’m totally into Brandon now.”
Early reports indicate that Brandon is way awesome, and more than capable of doing the Dew.
