A damning video from 2020 recently surfaced of Roger Stone plotting to overturn the presidential election. The Onion examines the most shocking moments from the video.
When He Looked At The Camera And Said ‘You’re Getting This, Right?’
The tape showed Stone tapping the lens of the camera and stating “Testing, testing” before laying out his plan to commit a crime.
Roger Stone Was Wearing Wired Earbuds
How did a man with that much wealth and influence not own AirPods by then?
When Roger Stone Said ‘What Trump And I Are Doing Is Illegal And Both Of Us Should Go To Prison For It’
Unclear how the courts will interpret this cryptic message, but it has the potential to be damning.
He Refused To Go Down For A Nap
Usually he goes down without much of a fuss, but that day he was kind of a nightmare.
When Roger Stone Questioned Whether The Color Green He Sees Is The Same Green Other People See
As the video reveals, Stone takes a moment to ponder the differences in individual perceptions of reality.
Hatching A Plot To Send Fake Electors To Also Cast Ballots For Biden
A shocking and brazen attempt to subvert the 2020 presidential race by having non-sanctioned electors vote the exact same way as the real ones would have.
When He Finally Let His Guard Down
Sometimes the most surprising action of all is radical vulnerability.
Roger Stone Knew As Early As November That A Presidential Election Would Take Place In 2020
If he obtained this early knowledge, what else could he have known?
When He Said His Name Was ‘Knife’ Now
Roger Stone claimed that he no longer had a first, middle, or last name, and should only be referred to as “Knife” during his plot to overturn the election in favor of Trump.
Roger Stone Stating ‘You Know Those Dumbass Liberals Are Going To Eat This Tape Up’
Twenty seconds into the tape, Stone rolls his eyes and says “I bet those virgins at MSNBC will have a field day with this one.”
When He Coughed Up A Piece Of His Own Liver
It was equally disturbing when he just swallowed it back down.
Roger Stone Feeding Celery To The Richard Nixon Tattoo On His Back
While many already knew that Stone was responsible for feeding his tattoo of the disgraced former president, it was a revelation to see him scolding Nixon for packing on the pounds and saying the celery would help him stay hot for years to come.
He Swallowed The Camera And We Saw Pink And Heard Gurgling Sounds For Several Minutes Until An Assistant Fished It Out
The shocking part was how healthy the Trump consultant’s microbiome was. Somebody’s been drinking their kefir!
When He Ate A 72 Oz. Porterhouse In Less Than An Hour
Many have tried and failed before him.
Roger Stone Turning His Ball Cap Around Backwards And Announcing ‘It’s Incrimination Time’
This could be the evidence that changes everything.
When He Quoted Sally Field’s Funeral Monologue From
MSNBC host Ari Melber confirmed that he hates to say it, but it kind of made him like Stone more.
Threatening To Cut The Laptop’s Throat If It Ever Blabbed
After outlining his scheme to defraud the U.S. using Republican legislators, Stone brandishes a jackknife and screams that he’ll murder the laptop and all of its electronic family members if it so much as peeps to the feds.
Tied A Cherry Stem With His Tongue
It took him over 30 minutes and he nearly choked, but the result did end up being rather sexy.
He Accurately Predicted That Only A Relatively Small Percentage Of Americans Would Ever Know Or Care About This If It Leaked
After acknowledging that the video may be considered evidence admissible in court, Stone went on to explain that only a pretty minute portion of the country who are MSNBC-watching liberals would even care enough to condemn him for these comments.
When He Got Down On One Knee And Proposed To His Girlfriend Linda
Awww!
20-Minute Free Jazz Jam
Stone remains at the helm of the contemporary avant-garde movement in the world of jazz.
When He Put On
Overthrowing the U.S. government from the inside out can be tiring!
When He Got Sucked Into His Own Hat
Viewers were shocked when Stone’s body was momentarily sucked into his own hat, at which point the hat fell to the ground and all that could be heard were muffled screams. Minutes later, when Stone was forcefully shot out of his hat, he looked flustered and could barely speak.
When He Turned Bright Red And Picked Up A Big Binder To Hide His Erection
It’s just physiological and nothing to be embarrassed about.
When He Chopped Off His Ponytail
Although he started the video with a long ponytail that reached down to his butt, Roger confidently cut it off and said he wouldn’t need it after 2020.
When He Dangled Mistletoe Over His Own Head And Said ‘This Means I Have To Do An Election Interference’
Stone grossly misunderstood that mistletoe is usually used to encourage an individual to lie under oath.
