We are legally required to warn that looking directly at Americans might make you puke. However, cosmetic procedures can significantly improve the vomit-inducing physical appearance of the U.S. populace. The Onion examines the most popular plastic surgery in every state.
Alabama
Fetal BBL
Alaska
Blubber injection
Arizona
Cremation
Arkansas
Getting hand replaced with gun
California
Grunting through bandages while pointing at menu board of procedures
Colorado
Fleece graft
Connecticut
Vagina dentata veneers
Delaware
Conjoined business separation
Florida
Botched facelift to correct previous botched facelift
Georgia
Lemon pepper face peel
Hawaii
Coconut reduction
Idaho
Skin twice-baking
Illinois
Fat sucked out of residents’ stomachs, arms, and backs and reinjected into J.B. Pritzker
Indiana
Eyes permanently rolled back in head to enhance religious experience
Iowa
Butter injection
Kansas
Surgery to conjoin twins
Kentucky
Enlargement of stomping foot for more rhythmic fiddling
Louisiana
Adipose boil
Maine
Lobster detachment surgery
Maryland
The senator will let you know what he likes
Massachusetts
Forcing flat girlfriend to get double D’s
Michigan
Chemotherapy
Minnesota
Adding second mouth for apologies
Mississippi
Racial affirmation surgery
Missouri
Double brain removal
Montana
Sky enlargement
Nebraska
Udder tuck
Nevada
Surgeon’s choice
New Hampshire
Swastika tattoo removal
New Jersey
Chest hair transplant
New Mexico
Nuclear peel
New York
Brass ball implants
North Carolina
Tarheelization
North Dakota
Putting on big white T-shirt with bikini bod printed on it
Ohio
Abortion disguised as skin tag removal for legal reasons
Oklahoma
Injecting spent fryer grease into forehead like Botox
Oregon
End-of-life butt lift
Pennsylvania
Good ol’ fashioned breast raising
Rhode Island
State enlargement
South Carolina
Stitched into human centipede as part of fraternity initiation
South Dakota
Drawing face on torso and making belly button talk
Tennessee
Facial Aryanization surgery
Texas
Silicone implants for hair enlargement
Utah
Stitching all sister wives together
Vermont
Wood chipper arm removal
Virginia
Reptilian tail tuck
Washington
Transracial skin tinting
West Virginia
Lung whitening
Wisconsin
Curd reconstruction
Wyoming
Draping horse mane over your head and pretending it’s your hair
