This holiday season, try not being a total asshole. Here are the most offensive things you can say to someone who doesn’t celebrate Christmas.
“Avert your eyes from the tree, heretic!”
While their unbelieving eyes do not deserve to take in the sight of Christmas, it’s tacky to say so.
“I hope you enjoy whatever second-rate holiday you observe in your dark, joyless homes.”
At least you had the sense to not say “Merry Christmas.”
“Are you Jewish, or is there something even worse?”
Let them volunteer this information on their own.
“Buddy, you will once we’re a proper Christian nation.”
Believe it or not, non-Christians don’t appreciate being vaguely threatened with forced conversion.
“Would you like me to show you how?”
In all likelihood, they’ve tried and failed to celebrate Christmas multiple times. They’ve made peace with their limitations, and so should you.
“A joyous Blood Feast!”
Just because they don’t celebrate Christmas does not automatically indicate they worship our Dark Lord.
“You can come over and touch my Christmas presents later if you want.”
It is best to avoid making it too obvious to people who don’t celebrate Christmas how much you pity them.
“Guards! Seize him!”
Just because they don’t observe Christmas doesn’t mean your dreaded Crimson Imperial Guards have to drag them away.
“So then what are you doing to support capitalism this month?”
We all support in our own ways, they don’t need to be public about it.
“At least you have Hanukkah.”
In addition to the fact that Jews aren’t the only people who don’t observe Christmas, Hanukkah also sucks.
“That’s okay. Your kid can still sit on my lap.”
Any mall Santa accepting non-Christians on his sacred lap is a red flag that he’s a definite creep.
“Are you even allowed to kill yourself?”
Don’t gate-keep traditional holiday celebrations.
“It’s terrible that it’s illegal for you to feel happy today.”
Look, we don’t make the rules.
“Do you celebrate any of the Apostles’ birthdays at least?”
Maybe by coincidence, but probably not.
“Comrade, the eagle is in the nest.”
Unless they say they are a godless communist attempting to destroy American society, it’s rude to assume.
“Wear this ThunderShirt and you’ll be less afraid.”
People who don’t celebrate Christmas don’t need to be soothed like a dog with a special anxiety wrap.
“No presents and eternal damnation sounds like a terrible combo.”
While it may be true, it’s best not to rub it in.
“Have fun burning in Hell”
It’s the holidays. No need to be condescending.
