Cryptocurrency might not be real, but that doesn’t stop countless Americans from researching it, buying it, and pissing away their wealth with it every single day. For Onion readers in need of a primer, here are the most frequently Googled cryptocurrency questions and their answers.
“What does ‘decentralized banking’ mean?”
It means your friends are doing some mental gymnastics to justify their get-rich-quick scheme.
“Is cryptocurrency anonymous? I ask because I would like to purchase heroin and child pornography.”
Sorry, internet privacy is impossible now, and crypto users who say otherwise are full of shit! You’re now on several watch lists.
“Crypto value up please please please.”
The most Googled phrase of all, the average crypto user searches this about 33.6 times a day.
“Cryptocurrency bankruptcy?”
Well, that was quick.
“What makes crypto different from other pump-and-dump speculation markets?”
Emergent technologies have created new and exciting ways for easy marks to find each other.
“Why are so many celebrities promoting crypto?”
Because they all auditioned for the new Buzz Lightyear movie and didn’t get the part.
“Elon Musk nude.”
This question isn’t technically about crypto, but it is most often searched immediately after users Google their coin’s value.
“Why hasn’t anyone talked me out of buying crypto?”
Wow, you’d think there’d be even one person who cared.
“Is crypto a scam?”
Only if you’re too late to the party.
“How much is a Bitcoin worth?”
Less than whatever you paid for it.
“Am I cryptocurrency?”
Not quite yet, friend, but we’ll get there.
“Crypto when do I get big physical gold coin in mail?”
As soon as your wire transfer to The Onion clears.
“Is cryptocurrency taxable?”
Yes, senator.
“Is Larry David okay?”
Los Angeles authorities are currently performing a wellness check at Mr. David’s residence.
“What flavor Mountain Dew should I give a woman if I’m trying to get her interested in going on a date with me?”
Frankly, there’s no explanation for this one.
“Is cryptocurrency a good investment?”
While it may be more volatile than traditional investments, at least cryptocurrency doesn’t have all the burdensome regulations that could protect you in the event of fraud or collapse.
“So crypto is just all made up?”
Yeah, you get it.
