After Elon Musk’s texts became public because of his legal dispute with Twitter, The Onion compiled and published the most disturbing, demented, and bizarre messages the Tesla CEO received.
Tesla Model 3
“You told me you loved me, you son of a bitch! I can’t believe I let you put your dick in my charging port. You’re a real fucking piece of work, you know that?”
Larry Ellison
“Would be happy to chip in any money to help out with Twitter sale: $1? $2? Even $3?”
International Space Station Astronaut
“Hey, so our ride back to earth hasn’t shown up for a few weeks now. The SpaceX customer service line just goes to a machine. Any idea on the timeline for picking us up?”
Grimes
“omg X Æ A-12 just made its first beep”
Jack Dorsey
“Twitter never should have been a company. It should have been a pair of novelty socks. That’s the original sin.”
Joe Rogan
“Can you please follow me back.”
Twitter Help
“We have received your report and found that the tweet ‘@tesla ur car exploded my whole family is on fire please send help’ does not violate our rules.”
Mathias Döpfner
“So on a scale from a simple jar of snake oil to Tesla, how big a scam are we talking here?”
Marc Benioff
“Happy to talk about it if this is interesting: Tony the Tiger, fully nude.”
Errol Musk
“Son, my head is trapped in the mine again with my bare ass sticking out, exposed to the elements. Get the prying stick.”
Parag Agrawal
“I have bought a gun.”
Grimes
“Elon, please pick up the phone. The Neuralink monkeys have taken me and the baby hostage again.”
Jason Calacanis
“Holy shit crazy insight came to me last nite: what if you took Twitter private and then deleted the entire website and bought a pigeon and named it Twitter and then users could sign up via the blockchain to deliver their Tweets to each other, pigeon style, and the pigeon is also on the blockchain (digital pigeon???). I already got serious $$$$$ lined up from [BlackRock CEO Larry] Fink so let me know when you’re on board!”
Elon Musk
“Reminder to fuck employees.”
Marc Andreessen
“know you’re busy but had an idea for destroying the grocery store industry i’d like to run by you”
Surrogate
“I don’t know how many times I have to tell you. It takes nine months to make a baby. No matter how much I want to, I cannot speed that up.”
Warren Buffet
“sfujk93ijj EUJAJee772kkjjjjjjjjjjjjj”
Sam Bankman-Fried
“I will help with financing: am willing to commit up to 500 cryptos ( = to 1275 cryptizmos). btw you owe me 75 cryptoloonos from that party last weekend. sick party, though—i’ve never seen so many smoking hot cryptoleezas in one room! i think one gave me a cryptomia tho :(”
Larry Ellison
“Let the bodies hit the floor
Let the bodies hit the floor
Let the bodies hit the floor
Let the bodies hit the floor
Let the bodies hit the floor
Let the bodies hit the floor
Let the bodies hit the floor
Let the bodies hit the floor
Let the bodies hit the floor
Let the bodies hit the floor
Let the bodies hit the floor
Let the bodies hit the floor
Let the bodies hit the floor
Let the bodies hit the floor
Let the bodies hit the floor”
International Space Station Astronaut
“Hello? Anyone?”
Jack Dorsey
“my one regret with Twitter is that I think we could’ve made a lot of money off of sex trafficking…our great burden now shifts to you, sir”
Grimes
“I just brought our kids to the county clerk to change their names to ‘Abe’ and ‘Lindsey’. We’re adults. What were we thinking?”
