MLB Beginning To Suspect Pirates Just A Mob Front

PITTSBURGH—Speculating as to how the listless franchise has still managed to stay open all these years, sources close to the MLB confirmed Friday that the league has begun to suspect the Pittsburgh Pirates are just a mob front. “It must be some kind of money-laundering operation, because they’re clearly doing the bare minimum to keep that place open,” said Commissioner Rob Manfred, pointing to the fact the team remains fully staffed despite any tangible success in the last four decades as proof they are at the very least selling drugs in the back of the stadium. “I’m not sure how they were even able to afford such a nice place when they hardly win games. It’s empty and super creepy all the time, even at the height of the season. If you walk up and ask for a ticket, they give you a weird look, like they clearly are not expecting real customers. I don’t know how they make any money—they can’t be funding this whole thing on hotdog sales alone.” At press time, the Pirates announced plans to cease baseball operations in favor of a new dry-cleaning service.