Mitch McConnell Bankrupted By 3-Day Stay In Hospital

WASHINGTON—As he entered the third day of his stay at George Washington University Hospital, sources confirmed Friday that the treatment Minority Leader Mitch McConnell had received for a concussion sustained during a fall at a D.C. dinner event had left him bankrupt. “For the love of God, how is anyone supposed to be able to pay for this?” said the seven-term senator, who grumbled that with all the favors he had done for the health insurance industry over the years, the least they could do is provide him with some straight answers when he called the number on the back of his card. “Did the hospital really need to do all those tests, or did they just order them because they clearly make a fortune every time they crank up the MRI machine? And why the fuck do I pay for coverage if it doesn’t cover anything? That ambulance ride alone cost a thousand bucks, and of course those assholes drove me to an out-of-network hospital!” Unsure how else to stop racking up medical expenses and becoming an even greater burden to his family, McConnell reportedly threw himself out a hospital window and plummeted to his death.