Mirena Releases New 10-Blade IntraUterine Sperm Shredder

BOSTON—Hailing the new product as the future of non-hormonal birth control, Mirena announced Friday that it had released the world’s first 10-blade intrauterine sperm shredder. “Mirena’s 30-mm stainless steel sperm shredder is designed to chop gametes into a microscopic spray the second they enter the female uterus,” said company spokesperson Mara Fitzgerald, adding that the device’s 14-horsepower electric engine, 2,530 rotations-per-minute speed, and patented anti-clog technology made it the new gold standard of contraceptives. “Once inserted, the device can pulp up to three teaspoons of semen per second, leaving sperm not only dizzied, but also totally decapitated far before they ever reach an egg. In addition, the implant is good for five years, after which its shredding apparatus must be removed for a routine sharpening.” While Mirena’s 10-blade shredder is reportedly 99.9 percent effective at preventing pregnancy, Fitzgerald reminded consumers that they would still need to wear condoms to protect against dislodged blades.