Since the fall of Roe v. Wade, doctors have reported a marked uptick in vasectomies. The Onion asked men why they underwent the procedure, and this is what they said.
Kyle Nelson (Bartender)
“I’ll do whatever it takes to support the illusion that I get laid a lot.”
George Drexel (Pilot)
“It’s one of the easier ways to get oxycontin.”
Vince Weller (Real Estate Broker)
“In solidarity with my brother who is medically unfuckable.”
Micah Stevens (Surgical Resident)
“I needed someone to practice on.”
George Taft (Software Developer)
“I bet on the Celtics in the NBA Finals, and a deal’s a deal.”
Walter Fontaine (Retail Worker)
“Needed a few days off work and out of vacation time.”
Nicholas Randall (Pharmacist)
“Got tired of supergluing my penis shut every morning.”
Jeremy Berkman (Jeweler)
“All of the other emasculated cucks are doing it.”
Barney Roebuck (TV Executive)
“The evil of my lineage must be ended.”
Constantine Palmer (Mattress Salesman)
“My wife wants kids. When she finds out about my operation, she’ll be livid. We’ll fight. Then we’ll have hot, steamy makeup sex. Then I’ll get the vasectomy reversed. She’ll be enthralled. We’ll have hot, steamy celebration sex. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what they call a twofer.”
Ryan Leibowitz (Public Relations Specialist)
“I don’t want another kid, and I’m actually thinking about losing one of the kids I already have.”
Neil Gorsuch (U.S. Supreme Court Justice)
“It would be hypocritical of me to not fully embrace all consequences of the court’s decision to overturn Roe v. Wade.”
Luke Jenson (Communications Director)
“It makes for a great icebreaker at networking events.”
Jeremy Thatcher (Meat Packer)
“It was nice to have someone else touch my penis.”
Ian Williams (Comptroller)
“The way the Government is controlling women’s bodies got me scared that they might do the same thing to men someday. What if they force us to have children next?”
John O’Sullivan (Ad Sales)
“I get a ton of elective surgeries in hopes someone medical malpractices on me and I can make an easy buck.”
Matt Woodard (Contractor)
“I wildly misunderstood an advertisement for Ryan Reynolds’ Aviation Gin.”
Preston Mansoor (Bartender)
“It’s the only medical care covered by my insurance.”
