No matter how vacuous and empty a man’s brain is, his life partner should always be dumber. The Onion asked men why they prefer low-IQ wives, and this is what they said.
Daniel Barnes, Historian
“Whatever the reason, my preference is in no way a reflection of my own insecurities as a man.”
Isaiah Valdez, Gravedigger
“I’m a simple guy. I just want a nice, traditional woman I can easily manipulate.”
Jack Thompson, Welder
“It makes it easier to explain to them why I have so many other wives.”
Frank Alonzo, Optician
“I’m the dumbest person at work, and I’m sure as hell not coming home to being the dumbest person there too.”
Todd Polk, Construction Worker
“A woman who can think for herself is always less than a month from breaking up with me.”
Randall Judd, Microbiologist
“It would feel good to win at Connect Four for once.”
Mack Bowers, Economist
“I feel more secure in a relationship when I prevail at sorting objects by shape and even color.”
Brian Pearlman, Chef
“It’s a lot easier to cheat on someone when you can just distract them by ringing a small bell.”
Doug Vreeland, Mechanic
“A marriage between equals has the best chance to succeed.”
Eric Deming, Delivery Driver
“They’re easier to steal money from.”
Howard Sahlman, Building Inspector
“Even though IQ is an arbitrary rubric, it’s good to have a number to throw in their faces when they disagree with you.”
Kyle Hotchkiss, Musician
“I prefer a cool, low-maintenance woman who’s happy just being locked in a barn with some lettuce after sex.”
Jon Robinson, Psychologist
“There’s nothing more endearing to me in a partner than someone who repeatedly steps on rakes that pop up and hit them in face.”
Brandon Kirk, Contractor
“What can I say? I want dumb kids.”
Randy Mireaux, Veterinarian
“My last sex doll got really arrogant and bitchy after it received its master’s, so I’m not dealing with that again.”
Tristan Morrow, Doctor
“I refuse to budge from my belief that Chester A. Arthur is the current U.S. president, and I won’t let anyone tell me otherwise.”
Eric Landry, Parts Specialist
“It sounds like eugenics, so I’m on board.”
