After The Marvels had the Marvel Cinematic Universe’s worst-ever opening weekend, The Onion asked men to explain why the female-led film failed, and this is what they said.
Franklin Higgins, Agricultural Tech Manager
“Probably because to understand this movie, you have to have already seen a woman before.”
Jeff Nielson, Choir Director
“It’s either the compounding factors of a fatigue with the overwhelming number of these films, their general decline in quality, and the hurdles of being a female-led movie in a male-centric genre, or it’s because they let a lady direct it.”
Jerry Kohut, Graphic Designer
“How do you even know they are women when at no point in the movie do you ever see their genitals?”
Arnold Banks, Farmer
“I’d have no problem with the idea of a female-led Marvel movie if the heroes were all homemakers.”
Bob Iger, CEO
“I don’t like that kind of mindless drivel.”
Ken Fisher, Hotel Manager
“Movie studios need to understand that men don’t want to watch MCU movies with women in them. We want nature documentaries about baby animals.”
Caleb Simons, Audio Technician
“The female voice is actually imperceptible to most audiences, so that may have made the plot a bit difficult to follow.”
Scott Norman, Student
“Chungking Express is currently streaming on HBO Max. How are they supposed to compete with that?”
Wendell Curtis, Day Trader
“I don’t think the problem is so much that it’s women, but more that the women are of different races.”
Damian Weber, Policy Aide
“In the comic books, Carol Danvers was a man.”
Bruce Johnson, Immunologist
“I saw it, but walked out with one minute left in the runtime so that it didn’t count as a view.”
Peter Jenson, Server
“I was afraid of my girlfriend’s period syncing up with Brie Larson’s.”
Alex Bhatnagar, Novelist
“Personally—and I hope this doesn’t seem overly critical—I just found the superheroes bumping their pregnant bellies together at the end of every scene a little distracting.”
Jude Law, Actor
“Because nobody who’s making these movies cares about them. Trust me.”
Zach Maddox, Unemployed
“I don’t know. I go to the theater and jerk off to every Marvel movie, so don’t ask me.”
James Burle, Cab Driver
“They didn’t adequately market this one in Cab Magazine.”
John Davis, Stone Mason
“That bitch Brie Larson didn’t even look in my direction when I yelled at the screen that she was hot.”
Ivan Williams, Life Coach
“It didn’t believe enough in itself.”
Walter The Walrus, Maryland Zoo Animal
“Walruses don’t get to watch any movies, so don’t ask me!”
David Neimeister, Waiter
“I don’t know anyone who can afford to go to the movies.”
Chubby Checker, Singer
“Hey, forget about all that. Let’s twist!”
Donald Jepson, Attorney
“Wait, I thought it was illegal to have women in movies.”
Owen Myers, Dancing Instructor
“If the women had simply been willing to beef up and add prosthetic chest hair, I think they would have given audiences exactly the sort of masculine thrills that they demand.”
Dale White, Retired
“Sorry, it’s my fault. I fell down and was trapped on the kitchen floor for 30 hours. I hope Bob Iger isn’t too mad at me.”
Shane Worthingham, Retail Operations
“Most Marvel fans can’t sustain their booing for longer than an hour.”
Lance Jeffries, Realtor
“In the theaters, women appear to be three times my size, but in reality, they are one quarter of my size.”
Ronald Stecker, Projectionist
“I already tore out my eyeballs in protest of the first one.”
Aaron Garrett, Delivery Driver
“I don’t even support Brie Larson driving a car in all those Nissan commercials.”
Wayne Deacon, Landscape Artist
“My wife says I’m not allowed to go to Marvel movies anymore ever since I said I was leaving her for Howard the Duck.”
Jason Petsch, Line Cook
“Just taking a much-needed break from supporting women, that’s all.”
