Grant Ferguson (Epidemiologist)
“Ruined my chance to drop out of college to work a minimum-wage job so I could barely be able to support a family.”
Herschel Walker (Senate Candidate)
“I mean, just imagine how many kids I’d have if it weren’t for abortion.”
Gabe Whitford (Auto Mechanic)
“I try to pull out a lot quicker now.”
Kyle Tully (Unemployed)
“I don’t know what that is, but my girlfriend is always bitching about it.”
Noah Wince (Financial Analyst)
“Nothing to report yet, but I’ll let you know if abortion ever impacts me in any way.”
Ismael Goodman (Doctor)
“Well, here I am in jail for doing a very necessary procedure to save a woman’s life, but I’ve been doing a lot of push-ups, so ultimately it was for the best.”
Clarence Thomas (Supreme Court Justice)
“After I stripped away a woman’s fundamental right to bodily autonomy, people got really angry at me, which hurt my feelings.”
Lawrence Putnam (Pastor)
“I’ve really destroyed my throat the past few years while screaming at women on their way into Planned Parenthood.”
Alan Sabino (Software Engineer)
“I learned where babies come from.”
Doug Ryan (Supermarket Cashier)
“It hasn’t affected me too much, but I’m glad someone gave me the chance to put myself at the center of this discussion.”
Andrew Oglesby (UX Designer)
“I don’t usually open up about this kind of stuff, but I was actually aborted.”
Donald Trump (Former U.S. President)
“I became president of the United States.”
Eric Hayworth (Engineer)
“It pains me every time I see a woman exercise bodily autonomy.”
Mark Duell (Party City Employee)
“A lot more requests coming in for balloons printed with nuanced reactions to pregnancy.”
Greg Abbott (Texas Governor)
“I’m against anything that decreases preventable deaths for poor women of color.”
Kevin Peterson (Boat Tour Operator)
“My boat tour of Cleveland’s family planning clinics really wouldn’t exist without it.”
Carlos Hall (Food Service Manager)
“I remember having to get up really early to drive my girlfriend there, and having to wait in the car for, like, a half hour, and then on the way home I had to get gas, which was really expensive too.”
Dan Sloane (Furniture Maker)
“Chairs can’t get pregnant, as far as I know, so it doesn’t affect me in the slightest.”
Marcio Longoria (Chef)
“I hate that I have to start using protection. Sex just doesn’t feel as good with a hairnet covering my penis.”
Sir Michael Caine (Actor)
“They’ve saved my ass more than a few times.”
Elias Olson (Landscaper)
“I feel like you’re hoping to get a metaphor from me comparing pregnancy to the tender life cycle of a seed or whatever, and I’m not going to give it to you.”
