Matt Gaetz Vehemently Denies Wrist Full Of Sex Bracelets Has Anything To Do With 17-Year-Old

WASHINGTON—Claiming that dozens of multicolored bands adorning his wrist were entirely unrelated to the DOJ probe into his potential sex crimes involving a minor, Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) vehemently denied Wednesday that his arm covered in sex bracelets had anything to do with a 17-year-old. “Yes, this orange one represents kissing, and yes, the yellow one represents hugging, but these bracelets are purely circumstantial evidence and have nothing to do with a relationship with an underage female,” said Gaetz, who repeatedly stated that the rubber bands were merely a fashion choice, and were never used as sexual coupons in a game called “snap”. “Currently, there are dark political forces at play attempting to slander me and claim these bracelets mean I engaged in illegal sex trafficking. But clearly, the black bands, which represent missionary sex, and blue bands, which represent oral sex, have not been broken. Plus, there’s not even a bracelet color that represents paying for a plane ticket and then having sex with a minor over state lines. And if there were, I wouldn’t snap it.” At press time, Gaetz appeared on Tucker Carlson’s show and further claimed the accusations were baseless, because he was a gentleman and always waited until prom night to make a move.