Matt Gaetz Forced To Host Hundreds Of White Nationalists After Airbnb Pulls D.C. Listings

WASHINGTON—As he rummaged through a closet to take stock of his extra sheets and towels, Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) confirmed Thursday he had been forced to open his home to hundreds of white nationalists after Airbnb canceled all D.C. metro reservations for the week of the inauguration. “Sometimes when I’m hanging out with a bunch of white supremacists, I’ll tell them, ‘Hey, if you’re ever in Washington and need a place to crash, let me know’—but you never expect anyone will actually take you up on it,” said a visibly exhausted Gaetz, who, according to sources, spent yesterday fielding frantic texts from Proud Boys, militia members, and Boogaloo extremists and sending them each detailed instructions about when they could pick up a key to his place and how to access the Wi-Fi. “Some of these guys I know pretty well, so I’m cool with it. But others are just people I met one time at an anti-immigrant rally somewhere, and I can’t help but feel they’re taking advantage of my hospitality. There are AR-15s all over my apartment, half of the air mattresses have been punctured by hunting knives, and this morning I tripped over a crossbow that almost put a bolt straight through my leg. I just hope everybody’s okay with takeout, because there’s no way I’m cooking for 500 people.” At press time, Gaetz had reportedly experienced a change of heart, tying on an apron and shouting, “Who wants pancakes?” to his excited guests.