Mark Zuckerberg Asks Hawaiian Neighbor To Cut Down Unsightly, Overgrown Rainforest

KAUAI, HI—Growing increasingly frustrated by the lack of respect shown to his 1,500-acre estate, Mark Zuckerberg reportedly asked his Hawaiian neighbor this week to cut down the unsightly, overgrown rainforest encroaching his property. “It’s unfair that there’s this gigantic canopy of native trees completely obstructing my beautiful view of the horizon,” said Zuckerberg, adding that the realtor failed to mention that the neighbor had an unkempt biome on their property. “That whole natural habitat over there is a real eyesore. I’ve made several complaints to the HOA about the messy old-growth trees next door, but I haven’t heard a peep, so I finally just had to ask him directly. I don’t mean to be a nag, but the thing is the rainforest doesn’t just block the view—it also attracts a ton of disgusting nuisances like bugs, wild animals, and indigenous people. So hopefully, now that we’ve spoken, they can get it all cleared out by the end of the week.” At press time, a fed-up Zuckerberg was sneaking onto the property in the middle of the night to demolish the neighbor’s loud, obnoxious waterfall that was keeping him awake.