Man's Alcoholism Getting A Little Out Of Hand

FAIRFIELD, OH—Friends and family of unemployed construction worker Brian Roberts announced Tuesday that the 36-year-old’s habitual and dangerous over-consumption of alcohol was starting to become slightly unmanageable. “I understand having the compulsive need to drink nine cans of beer alone at night, but I’m beginning to think Brian should tone it down a bit,” brother Kevin Roberts said. “I mean, there’s nothing wrong with being a raging alcoholic on the weekends, and on Wednesdays and Thursdays, but being an out-of-control alcoholic every night? That’s just not healthy.” According to drinking buddy Mike Turner, Roberts’ alcohol abuse has ruined numerous relationships of late, as he has started drinking himself to death at home instead of coming out to drink himself to death with friends.