Man Worried New ‘Jumanji’ Movie Going To Ruin Memory Of Mediocre Afternoon In 1995

BUTTE, MT—Concerned the remake would sully his recollection of a perfectly all-right moment from his childhood, local man Ian Cox was worried Tuesday that the new Jumanji movie was going to ruin his memory of a mediocre afternoon in 1995. “When this movie comes out, I’m scared that all of those unexceptional memories I have of that matinee in the mid-nineties will be forever tainted,” said Cox, recalling vividly what it was like seeing the action-fantasy movie during an elementary school birthday party over 20 years ago and leaving the theater thinking, “Eh, that was okay.” “I can remember it like it was yesterday. We took our seats, and when the lights lowered, I was suddenly transported to a completely different world just as I had dozens of other times with a bunch of other movies, some of which were way better. And now that’s being taken from me.” In protest, Cox later told reporters he would forgo seeing the new film in favor of reliving that unremarkable day by watching the original.