Man With Obnoxious Voice Has Been Violently Killed Thousands Of Times In Imaginations Of Others

KALAMAZOO, MI—During a routine visit to a neighborhood coffee shop, local man Dan Billings was reportedly violently killed Friday for the thousandth time in the imagination of anyone within earshot of his completely obnoxious natural voice. According to several bystanders who pleaded guilty to stabbing, bludgeoning, drowning, and disemboweling the 32-year-old personal assistant in their minds as he ordered a large coffee and old-fashioned donut, Billings’ skin-crawling timbre and cadence has made him the victim of scores of homicides by hundreds upon hundreds of people who have had the misfortune of hearing him speak. Sources confirmed in the 30 infuriating seconds Billings spent making small talk with the barista, they unanimously considered any amount of jail time would be worth it to make good on their desires to grab a nearby bottle and smash it over his head repeatedly until that aggravating sound stopped blaring from his equally aggravating face. At press time, an employee of the café had mentally ripped out Billings’ vocal cords and strangled him to death as he politely asked for a napkin.