Man Who Just Watched Nature Documentary Going Way Overboard With Newfound Appreciation Of Ants

YONKERS, NY—Complaining that he would absolutely not shut up about the insects and their “incredible abilities,” sources told reporters Wednesday that local man Jeff Granger was going way overboard with his newfound appreciation of ants after watching a nature documentary. “Look, I get it, ants are cool, but if I hear one more goddamn time about how they can carry 50 times their weight or how they can form air-tight balls to float on top of water, I’m going to fucking lose it,” said Granger’s friend James Powell, adding that while the documentary seemed to have many illuminating facts about ants and the insect world, that was still no excuse for going absolutely apeshit over them. “Yes, they started farming 50 million years before humans. And yes, they have supercolonies that span the entire world. But so what? They’re still ants. At the end of the day, I don’t really want to see, think, or talk about ants, let alone learn about the intricate relationships between queens and their soldiers or workers.” At press time, Powell wondered why his friend couldn’t be normal and go off the rails after watching a documentary about QAnon or 9/11.