Man Wearing Steampunk Goggles At City Council Meeting Demands Designated Segway Lanes

ESSEX, MA—Urging those assembled to help make the town safer for people like himself, a local man wearing steampunk goggles at a city council meeting demanded Friday that members approve designated Segway lanes. “Yesterday, I was, once again, nearly driven off the road while on my way to the silversmith to procure a new fob for my pocket watch,” said Teddy Stradivarius, gesticulating with such animation that his wide-brimmed velvet top hat nearly fell from his head. “If we don’t invest in protected lanes for Segway users—and soon—it’s only a matter of time before someone is lying dead in the middle of the street, their leather cape in ribbons and all their bearded dragons and cockatiels made orphans. None of us want to see that.” Stradivarius added that Segway lanes were only a first step and that the city wouldn’t really be equitable until it invested in public zeppelins.