Man On Deathbed Wishes He Spent More Time Going To TheOnion.com

NEW YORK—Bemoaning how much time he had squandered on trivial grudges and petty whims, local man Stefan Krawitz, 91, reportedly used his last moments on Earth telling friends and family that he wished he had spent more time going to TheOnion.com. “As I lie here, knowing my end is drawing near, I can’t help but wish I had focused on the important things in life, things like the The Onion’s consistently stellar reporting and photojournalism,” said Krawitz, his voice reportedly growing hoarse and his eyes welling with tears as he told his gathered loved ones that there were often stretches of wasted weeks when he would only read one of the two daily American Voices. “Come closer, please. I don’t know how much time I have left. My life might be nearing its close, but I want all of you to know that you could still spend hours every single day on The Onion’s homepage, just clicking around between their politics, entertainment, sports, and local sections. Some of that stuff never even makes it to your social media feed. And don’t forget about their infographics. Those might be what I’ll miss most out of everything in this world. I don’t know what I was thinking having children and getting married when there were always more commentary pieces and slideshows to consume. Dear God, what have I done with all my precious hours?” At press time, Krawitz had used his dying breath to ask his grandchildren—and everyone who cared about his death—to navigate to The Onion’s merchandise store and purchase a Sickos mug or zip-up hooded logo sweatshirt.