Man Moving To Pacific Northwest Shopping Around For Nice Fire-Resistant Jacket

NEW ORLEANS—Having been informed by friends that such an item of clothing was essential in the Pacific Northwest, area man Walter Katrakis told reporters Friday he was shopping around for a nice fire-resistant jacket in anticipation of his move to Portland, OR. “I read that the Pacific Northwest can get up to 15 feet of fire a year, so I want to invest in something that will be sturdy enough to hold up through the [wildfire] season,” said Katrakis, 27, explaining that he was willing to shell out a bit more for a quality coat that wouldn’t immediately melt when conflagrations in the region hit 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit. “I also want it to be packable, so I can carry it with me and quickly throw it on if a nearby forest suddenly bursts into flames. Even though they’re pricey, I might get one of those vintage asbestos-woven firefighting suits. They look sharp, and they just don’t make them like that anymore.” At press time, Katrakis was trying to find something that matched the oxygen mask given to him by a friend who used to live in Oregon but left after his entire neighborhood burned to the ground.