Man Horrified After Genealogy Test Confirms He Has No Past

MIDWEST CITY, OK—Expressing shock after the laboratory report listed his origin as simply “N/A,” local resident Greg Hurt confirmed he was completely horrified Tuesday after a genealogy test confirmed he did not have a past. “No…it can’t…it can’t be—I come from nowhere?” Hurt said as he scanned his results from the personal genomics service 23andMe, which stated that its databases included nothing remotely close to his DNA, suggesting he possessed no discernible cultural, ethnic, or biological heritage of any kind. “This must be a mistake. It literally says my genetic makeup is unrecognizable and does not indicate any possible ancestry on any continent anywhere in the world. But I had to get here somehow, right?” At press time, Hurt had reportedly attempted to call his parents to get answers before realizing he couldn’t recall having any parents.