Man Constantly Blaming His Problems On Fact That He’s On Fire

SAN FRANCISCO—Saying his stubborn unwillingness to take responsibility for his life had done far more to distance him from friends and family than the extreme heat, sources confirmed Thursday that local man Bryce Galloway continues to insist that his problems stem from his entire body being engulfed in intense flames. “Yes, Bryce, we get it, you’re on fire—We can see it, okay, you don’t have to bring it up every five minutes. Did you ever think that maybe the fact that you can’t hold down a stable relationship or get a decent job has less to do with you being on fire and more to do with your personality?” said longtime friend Tyler Bishop, who added he was “sick and tired” of Galloway insisting that burning alive was a bigger problem than his lack of organization or failure to plan for the future. “With Bryce, it’s always, ‘Oh, God, my flesh is melting!’ or, ‘My eyes are boiling and running down my face!’ I mean, my student loans are crippling me, but I still find time to go to the gym, if you know what I’m saying.” At press time, sources reported that Galloway had finally stopped complaining.