Hosting a large dinner is always stressful, but when it’s a family gathering for a holiday like Thanksgiving, it can be downright excruciating. Here are some tips to help you survive your relatives this holiday season:
To keep your mother happy, seat her directly across from her one good child who actually did something with his life
Splurge and get the more expensive turkey; then, make sure to mention at least once an hour how you splurged and got the more expensive turkey
If your in-laws are religious, respect their beliefs and pretend there’s a God for one night
Appease Uncle Karl early by fitting the Second Amendment into your blessing
Do not invite any newspaper or magazine columnists who publish an annual column about how we Americans have lost sight of the true meaning of Thanksgiving
Put the adults at the kids’ table, and keep the kids in the car
An air horn will help let your guests know when they’ve overstayed their welcome
Dress in disguise, posing as a distant relative from Italy, and find out how they really talk about you when you’re not around
Finally learn how to make a Rob Roy the right goddamn way like Uncle Doug’s been telling you for years
Have a bunch of old National Geographic magazines on hand for that one cousin who doesn’t watch football
Never host Thanksgiving
