Los Angeles Carries Out Controlled Burn Of Old-Growth Celebrities To Make Way For New Stars

LOS ANGELES—Working to set thousands of aged and desiccated screen legends aflame, L.A. County officials carried out a controlled burn of old-growth celebrities Monday in an effort to make way for new stars. “The process can be a little startling to watch, but thinning out decaying A-listers is a crucial part of preserving the Hollywood ecosystem,” said local fire chief Craig Powers, noting that the burn was done under strict guidelines and did not occur until the most combustible producers and multi-hyphenates had been cleared from the area. “Keep in mind that for every withered old Julie Andrews or Robert Redford we set fire to, we make room for a dozen budding Timothée Chalamets to grow.” Powers added that these processes were particularly necessary as the area’s talent reserves were continually bone dry.