MARSHALL, VA—Gazing longingly at the happy, loving family as they sat down to eat, all 315 million Americans gathered outside the dining room window of Edward and Karen Langhorne on Thursday night to watch the couple and their children enjoy dinner together, sources confirmed.
Bathed in the glow of the brightly lit room as they watched the familiar scene unfold from outside, the lonesome U.S. populace reportedly smiled wistfully as the Langhorne children ate their mother’s home-cooked meal, excitedly discussed their day at school, and playfully teased each other before heeding calls to settle down and finish their meals.
“Looks like they’re having meat loaf tonight—that’s my favorite,” Minnesota resident Claire Gorman said as she and the rest of the nation’s citizenry watched Karen Langhorne pass a bowl of piping-hot mashed potatoes to her son. “The last time they had it there were green beans and corn on the cob, too, with extra butter just how they like it.”
“I hope there’s pecan pie for dessert,” added Salem, OR resident Jeff Whiting before pausing, looking down, and breathing a heavy sigh. “God, they’re a beautiful family, aren’t they? So happy. So close.”
According to sources, the forlorn nation displayed a range of emotions while watching the Langhornes eat their meal, at times laughing heartily along with the family as they exchanged jokes and at times sighing almost mournfully as one family member offered a warm pleasantry to another.
Reports indicate that the 315 million Americans let out an audible chuckle when Darby, the family’s shaggy-haired dog, stealthily stole a piece of meat loaf from Ed Langhorne’s plate, prompting his wife and children to shout “Darby!” and then playfully ruffle the canine’s fur.
Sources also confirmed that at one point during the dinner, the nation’s eyes welled with silent tears after observing the family’s youngest child suddenly bounce up from his chair, run over to his mother, and give her an unsolicited hug.
“Ed and Karen look great—really healthy and content,” said Sarasota, FL citizen Deb Ortiz as she pressed her nose against the dining room window, her eyes growing larger as the children asked for second helpings of corn. “The kids look more like them every day, don’t they? More like them every day.”
According to sources, the lonely nation first caught a glimpse of the Langhorne family earlier this year while taking a walk to clear their heads. The nation’s citizenry confirmed that, after walking through a previously unexplored neighborhood—a beautiful residential area they’d passed many times but never entered—the downcast population was instantly cheered that cold winter’s night as they saw the image of the Langhornes bringing in the groceries.
From then on, the nation has reportedly often found itself walking by the Langhorne house and stopping outside whenever they are feeling particularly alone.
“Goodbye,” visibly depressed Los Angeles resident Josh McComb, 48, said solemnly, quickly dropping his head and continuing down the street as Ed and Karen Langhorne began ushering their children up the stairs to bed. “I’ll see you next time.”
“We all will,” added Knoxville, TN dental hygienist Megan Ditko, as the nation’s citizenry slowly backed away from the window.
All 315 million American citizens then reportedly turned around to get one last look at the family, observed the lights go off, and continued on their way.
