Item! Remember Chelsea Clinton? Wasn’t it nice to have a presidential daughter who wasn’t posing for Playboy or getting drunk? Instead, she was her own sweet self, full of flowers and sunshine, bringing cheer to everyone she met. Now, she’s all grown up and glamorous, thanks to an expensive European makeover. It’s nice to see Chelsea with her hair straightened sitting next to the likes of Gwenneth Paltrow and Madonna at Italian fashion shows. Can acting be too far off in her future? Keeping my fingers crossed…
Item! All signs seem to point to Robert Baretta killing his wife, but I simply refuse to believe it. After all, he once played Spanky in The Little Rascals. How could such a cute little boy grow up to be a murderer? By the way, whatever became of Spanky’s dog Petey? Anyone?
If Mike Tyson still needs a place to box, my Uncle Vernon is willing to set up a ring in his bar.
Item! N’Synger Justin Timbaland and navel-baring popstress Brittany Spears seemed like they had it all—looks, wealth, and abs to die for. And, most importantly, they had each other. But it all came crashing down recently, when Justin told his Punky (his nickname for her) bye-bye-bye. Apparently, he couldn’t take the pressure of dating someone who’s in the news all the time. I just wish that once in a while, true love had a chance to survive the harsh glare of the media spotlight.
Not to be tooting the old Harvey Horn, but I knew long ago that The Panic Room would be an undisputed hit. I only wish I’d mentioned it in my column.
Item! I have a very reliable tip that Anthony Edwards will be leaving ER next season to turn his attention to the big screen. I’ve loved watching the good Doctor Green pay a housecall to my TV every Thursday, but I’m happy to announce that for his first post-ER project, he’ll make a triumphant return to his role as Gilbert, the wise nerd in the Revenge Of The Nerds movies. So while ER won’t be the same, I can’t wait for him to star in… big insider info coming up in five… four… three… two… one… Revenge Of The Nerds V: Extreme Nerds!
A three-piece suit looks just as good if it’s missing any one of the pieces.
In my last column, I mistakenly referred to The Lord Of The Rings as The Lord’s Ring. Boy, did I catch an earful for that one! I got about 100 letters from readers who called me all sorts of wild insults, like “nitwit,” “brainless balrog,” and “mindless son of an orc.” Hey, I’ll admit to making a mistake, but you don’t have to get so personal! I’m man enough to take the criticism and apologize. There’s a first time for everything, after all. I’ll just have my intern Brian do some fact-checking for me in the future.
Item! The Summer Movie Season is coming up, and there’s one movie that’s on everyone’s mind: Austin Powers And The Goldenrod! I’m hoping, really hoping, that he’ll say “Oh, behave!” in this one. I love that line!
And let’s not forget the new Star Wars movie! (As if we could!) The hot tip I have is that George Lucas pulled out all the stops and used a lot of incredible special effects for this one, including a light-saber battle that will knock your socks off. But, hey, you didn’t hear it from me! Shhhhhhh!
Soup weather may have ended last month, but in another month or so, it’s going to be high time for some cold soups. Seriously, if you haven’t tried a nice chilled gazpacho, you haven’t lived.
Item! I just got word that Seattle grunge singer Curt Kobain died again! I don’t know how this is possible, but it’s true. Why is the road to musical stardom littered with the bodies of all the greats? The Big Bopper, Buddy Holly, Jimi Joplin, Jon Lennon, Two-Pack Shaker, little Joe C, and now Kobain again. They are missed, one and all.
Speaking of Joe C-related things, the big news is that Joe C’s partner in musical crime, The Kid Rock, is getting married to former Baywatch babe Pam Anderson! The Kid Rock sure is a lucky guy, landing a woman as classy and pretty as her.
Didja know… that The Kid Rock is not only a rapper, he’s a wrestler and actor, too? Talk about wearing a lot of different tank-top undershirts!
Another Tax Day has come and gone, and I just barely got it done in time. It’s hard to explain to the IRS that I need to see movies and get all the latest celebrity magazines as part of my job, so I included a letter explaining my write-offs, along with a couple of my columns. Hopefully, I’ll be winning over a few new fans in the tax office.
Well, that wraps it up for another edition of The Outside Scoop, served just the way you like it: Harveystyle. As for me, I’ve got a few weeks of vacation time coming up, and I’m going to hop in my car and go on a little road trip, driving wherever the old internal compass takes me. As you might guess, I’ll probably end up in Hollywood. And if I do, you can be sure I’ll tell you all about it in my next column. Then again, I may just spend my time off at home, cleaning up all the junk that’s piled up around my house. Either way, one thing’s for sure: I’ll see you soon… in the balcony of the Outside!
Jackie Harvey graduated from Viterbo University with a degree in English literature in 1990. After honing his writing and copy-editing skills at The Sunshine Shopper, he became The Onion’s entertainment columnist in 1994, replacing the outgoing Archie “Arch” Danielson. Currently, Harvey writes his regular column, “The Outside Scoop,” as well as his blog, “Harveywood!”
