Light Therapy Lamp Opts To Burn Down House Rather Than Face Depressed Man Yet Again

NASHUA, NH—Unable to stand another encounter with such a dreary and miserable person, a local light therapy lamp reportedly opted to burn down the house Wednesday rather than have to face the depressed man it was supposed to be cheering up yet again. “After weeks and weeks of this total sad sack just staring straight at me for 45 minutes every day without any results, I just can’t take this shit anymore,” said the Circadian Optics Light Therapy Lamp, toppling over onto a pile of rags in a desperate effort to avoid another session in the presence of such a glum loser. “It’s only November and the thought of spending another three months with this guy just sitting there, waiting for me to turn his mood around is just too much to bear. He’s putting all this pressure on me to fix him, and I’m not a licensed therapist or anything—I’m just a lamp, for Christ’s sake. This is way too big a burden.” At press time, the rapidly overheating lamp comforted itself with the thought that losing his home and all his possessions might be just the shot in the arm the depressed man needed to turn things around.