Lifestyle That 95% Of World Population Could Never Achieve Rejected For Being In Toledo

SAVANNAH, GA—Saying she hoped to find a similar opportunity in a more desirable location, area woman Kristy Molloy reportedly rejected a lifestyle that 95% of the global population will never achieve Thursday when she turned down a job in Toledo, OH. “I guess I always pictured myself living in a place with a bit more going on than [a city with a level of comfort and affluence that most people in developing countries can only dream of],” said Molloy, refusing the clean drinking water, modern medicine, and availability of safe, healthy foods that only 5% of the world’s inhabitants will ever access because Toledo “seems a little blah” to her. “I mean, the job offer is nice, it comes with good health insurance, a nice time-off policy, and a really great retirement plan, but I’m just not sure what I’d do with myself [in a place that would be like a paradise to many people and where, even on a really bad day, the life I’d be living would be an indescribable luxury for the majority of those in the Global South].” At press time, Molloy told reporters she was moving to Los Angeles to pursue a lifestyle that she would never be able to afford.




Sample front page of The Onion's DNC paper