Lifeguard Has To Admit Riptide Just Wanted It More

PENSACOLA, FL—Saying he gave it his all but simply came up short, lifeguard Brett Canberra reportedly had to admit Monday that the riptide just wanted it more. “Look, at the end of the day, I left it all out there in the ocean, but the riptide was hungrier, and you can clearly see the result,” said Canberra, praising the tidal flow’s strength, sheer tenacity, and hustle in how it tore a screaming elderly beachgoer away from the coastline. “The riptide was a little more physical and a little more intense, and all the crying in the world from that woman’s daughter wasn’t going to change that. Obviously, we’ll go out there tomorrow and try to keep someone from being pulled into the ocean’s depths again. That’s all you can do against a rival as formidable as this one.” At press time, the drowned swimmer’s surviving family acknowledged that the pugnaciousness displayed by the riptide was frankly outstanding.