Military recruiters, who often work in schools and malls, have been known to make enlisting sound glamorous, lucrative, and patriotic in order to attract new cadets. Here are common lies recruits should always watch out for before they enlist in the military.
“You get to kiss a nurse in the middle of Times Square when you return from war.”
Unfortunately that only applied to soldiers after World War II. Those returning from home have to kiss a guy in an Elmo suit.
“This war is one of the fun ones.”
The only fun war was the Peloponnesian War.
“You get great mental health care coverage when you get back.”
Recruits don’t get great mental health treatment post-war from the Veteran Affairs Office but they can use promo code ‘ARMY20’ for 20% off the first month from BetterHelp.
“Sexual assault in the military is swiftly investigated and punished and taken seriously.”
To be fair, this pretense isn’t any more of a lie than it is anywhere else.
“Adolf Hitler is back to his old tricks again.”
The idea of killing Hitler may be appealing, but he already died a long time ago.
“The U.S. Military is a vanguard of democracy that protects freedom both at home and abroad.”
This lie is rarely effective because recruiters have difficulty saying it without bursting into laughter.
“The movie ticket discounts you’ll get are so worth it.”
Recruits know that discounted movie tickets aren’t worth it where today’s streaming services offer premium entertainment at home.
“You get to choose a cool code name like Heavy Duty or Sidewinder.”
You actually have to pick out of a hat, and like 90% of the names in there suck.
“George H.W. Bush is president and personally asked about you.”
Even if George H.W. Bush were president there’s no way he’d know your name.
“Shooting an oxygen tank makes it explode.”
Sure, they busted this myth on episode 235 of Mythbusters, but new recruits don’t have to know that.
“If you don’t like it, you can always just get yourself killed.
Actually, most positions are far from the front lines and involve supply chain logistics or some shit.
“The Rock died in Iraq.”
Perfectly legal to tell recruits that an actor they admire made the ultimate sacrifice for their country and would be disappointed in anyone unwilling to do likewise.
“You can sit out up to three wars.”
Even if true, who would want to, right?
“You’ll be equipped with The Big Fucking Gun from Doom.”
Unfortunately this gun only exists in pixel form.
“Of course you can bring your dog!”
The army wouldn’t dream of separating you from your fuzzy buddy!
“The Army provides free housing to all soldiers.”
This sounds great until you see how small the plots at Arlington National Cemetery are.
“The nukes don’t really work.”
They get a lot of hippies to join by telling them this.
“You seem like Marine material to me.”
Sorry, they’ve got a quota to hit.
