“I’m proud to represent the good people of Indiana.”
And they say it with a straight face, too. Disgusting.
“If you elect me, anything at all will happen.”
While easy to fall for, this statement—told by politicians ranging from Ted Cruz to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez—has absolutely no basis in fact.
“During my first 100 days in office, I promise I will leave my wife for you.”
If he was going to do it, he would have done it by now, hon.
“[silence]”
Lies of omission. Don’t forget all the brutal shit politicians conveniently forget to mention.
“Cody likes you.”
An elected official has no business toying with voters’ hearts like that.
“Like many of you, I’m also a parent.”
Most politicians actually sterilize themselves and use actors when necessary, as offspring only interfere with their aspirations for elected office.
“There’s no better friend to the Black community than me.”
People of color already know how fucking ominous this statement actually is.
“Looks like a faulty alternator to me.”
Politicians who have no idea why your car isn’t starting will confidently say this when it could very well be the battery itself.
“Your mom and I are getting back together.”
Please, this is blatant pandering. Mommy just slammed the door and yelled that Daddy was back together with one of his whores at the mayor’s office.
“I did not mastermind the attacks of 9/11.”
The lack of any evidence whatsoever is just proof of how cunning and thorough they are.
“Costco is open on Christmas Day.”
Christmas Eve, not Christmas Day. Don’t fall for the fast-talk.
“House Joint Resolution 6821 will not include an amendment allowing for the provisional divestment of allocated funds at the discretion of committee members.”
It totally does.
“Tell 10 friends to vote for me or a dead girl with no eyes will appear in your bedroom tonight.”
Fear-mongering over dead, faceless girls crawling through the windows is one of the oldest tricks in the books.
“The pundits like to slice and dice our country into red states and blue states: red states for Republicans, blue states for Democrats. But I’ve got news for them, too. We worship an awesome God in the blue states, and we don’t like federal agents poking around our libraries in the red states. We coach Little League in the blue states, and yes, we’ve got some gay friends in the red states. There are patriots who opposed the war in Iraq, and there are patriots who supported the war in Iraq. We are one people, all of us pledging allegiance to the Stars and Stripes, all of us defending the United States of America.”
This one’s a whopper.
“You have been unsubscribed.”
Then why do you keep emailing, Val Demings?
“First, I’d like to thank God for this election win.”
The first person most elected officials really want to thank is their campaign manager for orchestrating a covert network of high value bribes all the way up the political ladder.
“Hablo español, 我说中文, j
Next.
“Insider trading? Pssh! No… Me? No…”
They’re not even doing a good job hiding it.
“Everything I’ve done, I did because I love you.”
Remember what your therapist said? Love doesn’t justify bad behavior.
“I’m just a greedy little piece of shit with a depraved ego and a constant need for affirmation. I am absolutely incompetent, and if you elect me, I pledge to fuck everything up way worse than it already was and profit off it endlessly.”
This one’s actually true!
