Just because you have to be honest with cops doesn’t mean they have to be honest with you. Here are several common, totally legal lies that police officers will often tell you.
“I’m here to help.”
The lie most commonly told on the job is also 100% legal.
“You’re safe now that I’m here.”
This is often said halfway through firing all of the bullets in their gun.
“I’m a 14-year-old here at this high school. Hey, do you have any drugs?”
Sometimes it’s hard to tell they’re just a 40-year-old-man holding a skateboard, so keep your eyes open.
“We know you murdered someone. We just can’t figure out who, how, where, or why.”
Do not fall for this trick. It’s just a way for lazy detectives to crack cold cases.
“Your complaint about the officer’s conduct will be taken seriously.”
While they are technically still allowed to say this, most just don’t bother anymore.
“Hi there. We’re collecting DNA for the poor. Would you like to donate?”
It’s sneaky, but cops are protected if they show up at your door pretending to seek skin cell and saliva donations for the less fortunate.
“God saw what you did.”
Deep down, the police know God is a human construct or, at best, indifferent to our affairs, but that won’t stop them from saying the Almighty totally busted you.
“Hands up and nobody gets hurt!”
All right, we’ve all heard this one before and know what happens next.
“I need both hands to practice my juggling routine. Do you mind holding this baggie of cocaine for me?”
Exploiting your sense of childlike wonderment is as underhanded as they can get.
“The ‘C’ in ACAB stands for ‘Crabs’”
It doesn’t, and what’s worse is they’re pitting us against the ocean’s noblest little guys.
“We’re doing everything we can to find your kid.”
Your missing child is a goner, but legally nothing is stopping them from lying and giving you the false hope that they just ran away after a silly argument at home.
“I feared for my life.”
Listen, if you had magic words that kept you from facing any consequences after killing somebody, you’d use them all the time, too.
“It was self-defense.”
Even if they’re caught on camera murdering somebody, police officers are permitted to say this if it will prevent someone from losing their job.
“Using my gun was the only option.”
Just because it was their favorite option doesn’t mean it was their only option.
“I became a cop to help people.”
No one in their right mind would believe this, but they are allowed to say it.
“I am an ordinary tie-wearing man, not a plainclothes cop.”
It’s all part of successfully pulling off the deception inherent in being a plainclothes officer.
“It’s against the law to film me when I’m not wearing makeup.”
The last of the Law Enforcement Vanity Acts was abolished in the ’80s.
“If you just cooperate with us, we’ll make sure you get sent to fancy jail.”
This is clearly just a tactic. It’s the district attorney, not the cops, who decides the luxuriousness of your jail cell.
“I love you.”
You have been married for long enough to know that this cop only loves their gun.
“Let us in, we can get a search warrant within minutes.”
As with most government offices, the actual timeline for processing paperwork is somewhere between three to five business days and a year and a half.
“You’re under arrest!”
Despite what you may have seen on TV, the police have no authority to arrest anyone.
“My body cam is for sure on.”
While that might be true, their hand is still definitely covering the lens.
“Your friend just ratted you out.”
You have no friends, remember?
“Sorry about my partner. She’s such a pain in the ass. Women. I swear, sometimes I feel like I could just kill six of them.”
Because it always gets prolific killers to confess, police are allowed in questioning to simply pretend to share the same core philosophies that drove a suspect to kill.
“I’m one of the good ones.”
There are no good ones.
