HELSINKI—Members of the Group of Eight, the forum for the world’s most powerful industrialized nations, held a special session Tuesday to discuss how best to prod the European microstates of Lichtenstein and Andorra into fighting.
The G8’s proposal, which seeks to pit the small, landlocked principalities against each other in military combat, was reportedly drafted after the leaders of the eight nations had grown bored with their recent negotiations over international energy tariffs.
“After much careful deliberation, we have come to the consensus that the nations of Liechtenstein and Andorra need to just man up and fight, ” said U.K. Prime Minister Gordon Brown during an afternoon recess. “All of the bigger countries want them to, and everyone agrees at this point that it would be quite lame if they didn’t. Therefore, I would advise Liechtenstein and Andorra to grow some balls already and get on with it.”
“Seriously,” Brown added. “Fight.”
According to French president Nicolas Sarkozy, the group has scheduled the Liechtenstein-Andorra military conflict for tomorrow afternoon at 4 p.m. sharp, provided that neither country “pusses out.” Sarkozy also assured reporters that, if Liechtenstein and Andorra were to engage each other in battle, they would almost certainly find themselves in improved diplomatic relations with members of the G8 for years to come.
“Oh, we will definitely think they are cooler if they launch a few precision strikes, for sure,” said Sarkozy, whose country directed $30 million in funds to the construction of special observation towers from which to view the event. “But they do not really have a choice, you see. They must go through with this, because everybody is going to be watching and they wouldn’t want to look like sissies in front of the whole world, now would they?”
In an attempt to encourage the two meek nations into conflict, the United States Department of Defense has vowed to send them 20,000 M16 assault rifles by Thursday, said laughing Pentagon officials, who were reportedly unsure if the small, peaceful republics “even had tanks.”
“This is going to be so hilarious,” said President Barack Obama, who plans to take time away from health care negotiations to oversee the distribution of heavily armored mobilized units to the citizens of Liechtenstein and Andorra. “Once they get into it, they’re going to go nuts. They’re just going to totally go off on each other.”
“I cannot wait,” he added.
Russia, Italy and Germany have all pledged the ground and logistical support needed to facilitate an “amazing throw-down.” German chancellor Angela Merkel explained, however, that the military aid did not come without strings attached.
“They have to do it for real, though; they can’t just declare a cease-fire after 20 minutes,” Merkel said. “And no cyberwars either. We want real bullets, real people. We’ll know if they’re just circling around each other pretending to fight.”
“Come on! Do it! Do it! Do it!” added Spanish president José Luis Rodríguez Zapatero from behind Merkel, as he pumped his fist wildly in the air. “Do it!”
The G8 has provoked numerous international incidents in the past. In 1994, then-Japanese Prime Minister Tomiichi Murayama forced the leaders of San Marino and Monaco to run a “naked mile” behind the United Nations building. And in 2000, Russia’s Vladimir Putin delighted his fellow world leaders by repeatedly asking the president of Chechnya, “Why are you bombing yourself? Why are you bombing yourself?” during a prolonged bombardment of the capital, Grozny.
In a final effort to ensure that the proposed confrontation between Liechtenstein and Andorra commenced tomorrow afternoon “without a hitch,” Canadian prime minister Stephen Harper held a press conference intended to persuade the two countries.
“Fucking just fight already!” Harper said. “Fight! Fiiiight! Fiiiiiiight!”
At press time, 50,000 Andorran troops had amassed along the Rhine valley following CIA intelligence indicating that Liechtenstein had referred to the principality as “Fagdorra.”
