1983: Just fiddling around on the keyboard, he accidentally writes the Chicago Bulls’ intro song
1987: With a series of awesome jams, revives the unpopular and often-shunned slam dunk
1989: Somehow wins a game with a buzzer-beating chest pass
1990: During a playoff-clinching victory over the Cavaliers, Jordan scores a career-high 69 points after stepping on Phil Jackson’s missing dose of purple sunshine LSD in the locker room
1993: Original Michael Jordan killed for his shoes
1994: Acting as a role model, Jordan introduces himself to a bunch of kids playing basketball on the Chicago streets and wipes them 21-0
1995: Tells Ron Harper to stop wearing Air Jordan XI’s
1996: Referee calls Jordan for traveling
2005: After 11 years in the minors, Jordan is called up and hits the World Series-winning home run for the Chicago White Sox
2006: Somehow manages to return to the NBA for a half season with the Bucks without anyone noticing
