Kim Jong-Un Eagerly Waiting For Inner Circle To Get Big Enough So He Can Start Executing People Again

PYONGYANG—Feverishly anticipating the moment when he can return to his cherished pastime, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un told reporters Wednesday that he was eagerly waiting for his inner circle to get big enough so he can begin executing people again. “Man, I’ve been giving out a lot of promotions to grow party leadership, but it still feels like it’s been forever since I’ve poisoned a cabinet member or used artillery to blow up an advisor,” said Kim, stressing that he blamed himself for winnowing down his once-substantial inner circle with nerve gas and electrocutions without an eye to the future predicament in which he would land himself. “Obviously, it’s tough, because I’m insane, so I’d love to just kill one of the few officials still sitting in my meetings, brand him as an enemy of the people, and maybe pose for a photo with his decapitated corpse. But then I’d just be in an empty room and what do I do then? Poison myself? I don’t know. Seems less appealing. Unfortunately, I’ve also assassinated most of my relatives or I’d just promote them up the ranks.” Kim added that it simply wasn’t exciting enough to execute one person at a time and that he was firmly committed to the fun of large-scale political purges.