In light of recent newspaper closures, Sen. John Kerry is holding hearings this week about the struggling print journalism industry. Here are some of the reasons given for its decline:
Between Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity, half of America gets The New York Times read to them for free every day
Fewer and fewer Americans physically able to hoist themselves upright, walk halfway down driveway, and bend over to pick up paper
Horoscopes always slightly inaccurate
Paid Ann Landers way too much back in the ‘90s
G. Evans of Topeka, KS finally made good on her years-long threat of canceling her subscription
Because no one gives a shit about international news, national news, local news, sports, politics, art, science, or classifieds
The Denver Post staff’s notorious habit of telling everyone all about their stories before the paper is printed
Journalists continue to demand overly generous salaries as high as $32,000 a year
