Juilliard Opens Business School For Students Who Realize Acting Thing Probably A Long Shot

NEW YORK—In an effort to accommodate pupils who are realistic about their chances in the industry, the performing arts conservatory Juilliard announced Wednesday that it had formed a new business school for students who realize the whole acting thing is probably a long shot. “This exciting new program will serve to educate some of today’s greatest budding thespians who are clear-eyed and practical about how few paying jobs there are for actors,” Juilliard president Damian Woetzel said of the degrees now being offered in accounting, finance, and project management for students who, lacking major Hollywood connections or independently wealthy parents, will inevitably bum around the Brooklyn theater scene for a couple years before going broke and calling it quits. “This is an extremely competitive school, and it is reserved for only a few select, gifted performers whose obvious talents will do nothing to stop them from getting chewed up and spat out by the entertainment industry.” Woetzel added that several students had already dropped out of the new program after realizing business schools were somehow even more full of assholes than drama classes.