John Fetterman Offers Voters Medical Transparency By Ripping Heart Out Of Chest

LANCASTER, PA—Responding to growing demands from critics that he address ongoing concerns about his health, U.S. Senate candidate John Fetterman reportedly offered voters full medical transparency at a rally Wednesday by ripping his heart out of his chest. “It’s essential that we address any worries voters have about their candidate’s fitness for office, which is why the lieutenant governor chose to tear out his still-beating heart and hold it out for all to see,” said campaign manager Brendan McPhillips, stressing that it was an essential part of running an honest campaign for Fetterman to hold the pulsating organ close enough to the audience that it splattered their shocked faces. “Frankly, we wanted to head off any of our opponent’s ginned-up rumors about John’s health, and we absolutely think we did that when he gasped out, ‘See? Do you see how it still beats?’ as he grew increasingly pale and weak from blood loss. I really believe we nipped the whole thing in the bud by the time he collapsed onstage.” At press time, the campaign reportedly responded to a follow-up question about Fetterman’s stroke by sending aides to saw open the skull of the unconscious candidate.