Joe Biden Officially Wishes Student Loans Away By Blowing On Dandelion

WASHINGTON—In his latest attempt to fulfill his campaign promise of relieving the nearly $1.8 trillion burden on U.S. citizens, President Joe Biden officially wished away student loan debt Thursday by blowing on a dandelion. “Today I closed my eyes, wished for the forgiveness of all tuition-related debt for single Americans earning less than $125,000 and couples earning less than $250,000, and blew the seeds of a dandelion into the air,” said President Biden, who stood barefoot on the grass in the White House Rose Garden as he addressed the assembled press corps. “The wind will carry my wish across the country, providing our best hope of enacting this meaningful policy and ensuring that college remains a ticket to the middle-class instead of a burden on our families. I realize that student debt cancellation has failed in the past, but if need be, I will make this same wish when I blow out the candles on my birthday cake this year. Other plans include picking the petals off one of these beautiful flowers and saying, ‘They’re canceled, they’re canceled not’ and, with any luck, ending on ‘They’re canceled’ with the last petal.” At press time, Biden had announced that his wish probably wouldn’t come true because he had told a gaggle of reporters representing every major news outlet in the nation about it.