Janet Yellen Surveys Warehouse Of Topless Women Sorting Out U.S. Treasury Cash

CLINTON, MD—Puffing on a cigar as she strode up and down the lines of tables piled high with stacks of $100 bills, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen reportedly surveyed a warehouse Friday full of topless women sorting the department’s cash. “You’re all good girls, right? Momma takes care of you,” said Yellen, glancing over the shoulder and running her hands down the back of a nearly nude woman who was counting out and bundling hundreds of thousands of dollars of loose cash. “Quite the haul, girls. It’s been a good year. Keep it up, keep your hands to yourself, and you’ll all be getting a nice little taste later. We don’t want to be greedy, now. We all know what happened to Gina, right?” At press time, sources confirmed Yellen was cleaning a gun as a frightened 19-year-old was being brought into her office overlooking the warehouse.