Jane Goodall Announces She All About Lizards Now

GALÁPAGOS ISLANDS, ECUADOR—Looking forward to exploring a new chapter of her storied 60-year career, Jane Goodall issued a statement Friday announcing she’s all about lizards now. “Gila monsters, bearded dragons, Komodo dragons, Nile monitors, iguanas, jungle-runners, chameleons—you name it, and if it’s a lizard, then I probably like it,” the 86-year-old scientist, who explained that while chimpanzees had had a good run, it was time to turn her studies toward the group of reptiles, of which there were over 6,000 thrilling species to enjoy. “Hopefully, it’s only a matter of time until I’m considered the world’s foremost expert on skinks. Don’t get me wrong, apes are still cool, but these little guys are just wicked. Plus, at this point, I’ve basically learned everything there is to know about chimps. I’m going to spend some time living in gecko society for a bit. They’re really, really similar to humans, actually. Did you know some lizards can regrow their tails? Let’s see a chimp do that.” At press time, Dr. Goodall added that the Jane Goodall Institute would immediately begin reallocating all its resources from protecting great apes from poachers and traffickers to protecting geckos from snakes.