J.D. Vance Vows To Fight For Forgotten Communities In Silicon Valley

SAN FRANCISCO—Pledging to never leave behind the many millionaires and billionaires from the region who helped shape him into the person he is now, vice presidential candidate J.D. Vance vowed in a speech Tuesday that he would always fight for the forgotten communities in Silicon Valley. “Many of the Democratic elite are happy leaving behind this little tucked-away corner of America, but I will always remember what this place did for me—hell, half of you have probably donated to my campaign,” said Vance, looking at the faces of the tech entrepreneurs in the rally’s front row before tearing up as he described how venture capitalist Peter Thiel scraped together spare change to make a $15 million contribution to his 2022 Senate bid. “Many of you dropped out of college to invest in a unicorn startup. Some of you don’t have jobs because you retired at the age of 35. And if you are struggling to cobble together a pitch in an incubator somewhere, they still call you tech bros behind your back. Basically, this country doesn’t care about you. But I do. Know this, Silicon Valley—I will fight for you tirelessly from day one.” Vance added that despite this, he still felt those in Silicon Valley had no one but themselves to blame for the microdosing epidemic ravaging their community.




Sample front page of The Onion's DNC paper