IT Guy Requests Employees Stop Placing Difficult-To-Remove Stickers On Him

CHICAGO—Emphasizing that people were specifically forbidden from vandalizing things that were technically company property, local IT guy Ron Freeman told employees Thursday to stop placing difficult-to-remove stickers on him. “Hi all, just a reminder to please, please stop putting stickers on my body—it’s unsightly, and I just spent the entire day scraping off sticky residue from my face, arms, and legs,” Freeman said in a company-wide email, adding that even though he had used various cleaning solutions, many parts of his body still had permanent marks where adhesives were placed. “Look, I know you want to customize me, but again, it creates more work for the entire team and decreases my value significantly. Also, just a reminder, if you spill on me, submit me to the IT desk immediately. Leaving me wet will only make it worse.” At press time, Freeman sent a follow-up sternly addressing employees who had dropped him, citing various dings and scratches found on his head.