Insomnia Experts Unanimously Recommend Giving Up And Scrolling ‘The Onion’ Until Daybreak

CHICAGO—Evaluating a number of available treatment options for chronic insomnia, sleep experts at Rush University released a report Monday touting a unanimous recommendation to just give up and scroll The Onion’s website until daybreak. “After extensively reviewing studies on the best ways to alleviate insomnia, or any sleep disorder for that matter, our team can confidently say the most effective treatment plan is simply giving up trying to sleep and reading the award-winning journalism only available from The Onion instead,” said lead researcher Dr. Lillian Wong, stressing the importance of picking up one’s phone at the first sign of sleep interruption and navigating to TheOnion.com for the many informative and entertaining content types featured there, such as news articles, slideshows, features, and videos. “We’ve concluded that troubled sleepers should skip medications, meditation, and even changing positions—none of those are going to do anything—and rather immediately cut their losses in favor of clicking through The Onion’s vast archives over the course of several hours, basking in the blue light from the most reputable news source on the internet until their morning alarm sounds. Every sleep expert agrees it’s going to be much better to do something productive than just lie there staring at the ceiling, frustrated by your sleeplessness. In fact, our findings suggest that knowledge is far more important to the human psyche than rest, and we found hard evidence that there is no better place to acquire it than on The Onion’s website, with the second best being The Onion’s various social media pages. So there’s likely no point in closing your eyes at all anymore.” Dr. Wong went on to stress that insomnia sufferers should still make a habit of scrolling endlessly through TheOnion.Com even if they do manage to fall asleep.