Infrastructure Bill To Fund 11,000-Mile-Long Detour Around Nation During Construction

WASHINGTON—Following delicate bipartisan negotiations to update U.S. roads, highways, and bridges, the Senate moved forward Tuesday on a landmark infrastructure bill that would fund an 11,000-mile-long detour around the nation during construction. “It’s taken years, but we have finally reached a deal on a pair of massive, 20-lane temporary roads that will allow motorists to bypass America while it is being rebuilt,” Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer said of the $1 trillion plan that reportedly provides enough cones, flares, large orange barrels, and concrete barriers to block off the country’s 4.18 million miles of road. “Under the new agreement, drivers will be able to simply follow the detour signs, winding their way through several states until they reach one of the two alternate routes that will loop around the country to the north and south—through Canada and Mexico, respectively. We urge Americans to follow the signs closely, lest they take a wrong turn and end up thousands of miles off course, or worse, at the bottom of the Atlantic or Pacific Ocean.” While acknowledging the detour could delay commutes by up to three weeks, Schumer remarked that the temporary inconvenience would all be worth it once the nation’s construction was complete in 2065.